This article provides teenagers with detailed strategies, including practice homework, for improving their social skills so that they feel comfortable in a wide range of social situations.
You’re a teen. Maybe you’re in high school or getting ready to start college. Exciting times are on the horizon including part time jobs, developing potential life-long friendships and a more rigorous school curriculum which may influence a future career. Further developing your social skills and the way in which you interact with other teens and adults is an important part of the transition through your teenage years and into young adulthood. As part of the maturing process, individuals start to shift from less of an ego or “me” mindset to more of an awareness of the people around them. For some this happens very naturally and is easier and for others, it can be a challenge.
We all have an ego. In simple terms ego represents a sense of self-importance. Having a healthy ego means we can maintain a healthy sense of self, but an imbalance can lead to problems, including excessive self-centeredness. As we mature from children > tweens > teens > young adults > adults, an important part of developing strong social skills is to possess a keen awareness for the people around us.
What are social skills?
Social skills define the way in which you interact and communicate with other people – both verbally and non-verbally. They are often referred to as soft skills in that these qualities and characteristics can’t necessarily be quantified by a test the way you could evaluate your typing skills or mastery of algebra. Examples of such skills include:
- Having a back-and-forth, two-way conversation with another person
- Body language (smiling, nodding) when communicating with an individual or in a group
- Eye contact
- Saying hello to people if you are at a friend’s house, at work or attend a party
- Disagreeing appropriately
- Demonstrating good manners
- Introducing yourself if you are new to a group or situation
Why are social skills important?
No matter what your days look like as high schoolers or young adults, interacting and communicating with other people on a regular basis is all but guaranteed. I am referring to face-to-face interactions and not interactions via social media, text messages or video games. Your school environments, jobs, extra-curricular activities, family structures and friend groups may be vastly different from one teenager or young adult to the next, but they all require you to interact with people in some capacity. Your interpersonal skills, or the way in which you approach these school, work, family and social interactions often define the depth and quality of those relationships. Like anything we discuss here on the blog, practice makes easier, and this is especially true if you lean more towards the introverted side of the personality spectrum and have a difficult time with conversations and social situations don’t come as easily. Social anxiety is very real for some people and with a bit of focused effort on the fundamentals, interactions with others can become more positive and less stressful.
Let’s review important social skills and the learning process for improving these important skills.
Shifting conversations from one-way to two-way
Let’s say you are at a family function and an older cousin starts asking you questions about school. For example, “What classes are you taking right now? …. How is soccer going? …. Are you still working at the Gap?” In answering, you are talking about yourself, which is serving your ego. It is easiest to talk about ourselves because that is who we know best. A core social skill is of course answering the questions your cousin is asking. You are having a conversation but in the absence of you asking your cousin questions as well, your interaction is a one-way conversation. Your cousin is doing all the asking and you are doing all the answering.
Specific example of a one-way conversation.
- Friend’s Parent: Hi, Molly! So good to see you again. How have you been?
- Teen: Good
- Friend’s Parent: That’s nice. How was summer break? Did you do anything with your family?
- Teen: It was fun – we visited my grandparents in Wisconsin and going to go fishing every day.
The adult may go on to ask 1-2 more questions and then the conversation would most likely end. One-way conversations are fairly typically between adults and younger children but really, they can exist between two people of any age based on the social competence each possesses. Here is a little secret, people love talking about themselves. It is not just younger kids and teens who typically have one-way conversations. Many adult-to-adult conversations can be one-way and that is often because a) the adult never focused on social skill development b) their self-importance is high, and they prefer to talk about themselves.
Here is an evolution of the above conversation…
Advancing the dialogue to a two-way conversation
- Friend’s Parent: Hi, Molly! So good to see you again. How have you been?
- Teen: Good – how have you been?
- Friend’s Parent: I’ve been doing well – thanks for asking. How was your summer break? Did you do anything fub with your family?
- Teen: It was fun – we visited my grandparents in Wisconsin and went fishing almost evert day. Alice told me you all went on an Alaskan cruise – what did you think?
- Friend’s Parent: Love Wisconsin in the summertime. The cruise was amazing! We all loved it.
While the conversation above is still relatively quick, you can see that there is more depth simply by way of the teen asking two questions of their own. Interactions with friend’s parents are an easy way to practice two-way conversations as they are never going to be overly long or deep!
Homework: Next time you have a conversation with anyone (family members, friends, coaches, parent’s friends etc.), set a goal to ask them at least one question. Practice asking that one question and try to build up from there until you have what feels like a natural back and forth conversation in various social settings. This is an essential social skill that will make friendships, family relationships and working relationships more meaningful for both parties. Depending on your family dynamics, you could turn this homework into a fun game that involves the entire group. Social skills game this Friday anyone?? Younger siblings could really embrace different role-playing scenarios where the goal is to practice a back-and-forth conversation. Practicing at home can also be an incredibly low-pressure environment where you can assume different roles and build up confidence.
Non-verbal communication
Effective communication comprises both verbal and non-verbal communication. What constitutes non-verbal communication?
- Eye Contact
- Body Language including nodding your head, smiling, slouching, sitting up straight, crossing your arms
- Facial expressions such as looks of surprise, disdain, joy, eye rolling
- Gestures or hand movements
Non-verbal communication gives the speaker clues as to what you are thinking and feeling. Strong eye contact while having a conversation tells the other person you are paying attention and focused on what they are saying. Crossed arms while in a conversation can be known to signal defensiveness or irritation (though this is a very comfortable position for me, and it doesn’t mean I am irritated!) Facial expressions such as smiling or frowning similarly tell the person speaking that you are having an emotional reaction to what they are saying, and those reactions are helpful inputs.
Homework: Pick one non-verbal communication cue and start implementing during conversations with fellow high school students, in small groups or even just with family members at your home. If you are unsure of where to start, my recommendation is to start with eye contact (both when speaking and listening) as it is a powerful way to build connection with other people.
A sub-category of nonverbal communication is….
Active listening
Active listening is the act of being fully present in a conversation and intently listening to what the speaker is saying. Active listening shows the person speaking that you are focused on what they are saying. You aren’t looking at your phone or thinking of what you are going to say as soon as there is a pause in the conversation. If you are the one doing the listening while the other person is speaking, your nonverbal communication signals (body language, eye contact etc.) provide inputs to the speaker that you are paying attention and digesting what they are saying. Part of active listening is responding, in turn, to what the person is telling you either with a comment or question. You aren’t rushing to make the conversation about you. Below is an example of a conversation exchange that may occur as the result of your active listening.
- Teen’s Friend: I am sooo excited! I just found out that I made the Foothills Club Volleyball team. I really hope this will help me level up my skills and potentially get a college scholarship
- Teen: Wow, that is incredible. Congrats! Do a lot of the kids on club teams end up getting scholarships?
- Teen’s Friend: About 50% of this year’s club team seniors got a volleyball scholarship.
- Teen: Ahh, I see. Now that you mention it, I think my neighbor played for the same club team and got a scholarship to CU a few years ago.
- Teen’s Friend: No way! Always encouraging to hear those kinds of stories.
Because the teen was actively listening while her friend was speaking, she was able to offer encouraging commentary and ask questions related to the club volleyball team. While the fact that the teen’s neighbor got a scholarship is certainly relevant to the conversation, the teen didn’t bring it up immediately and instead kept the conversation laser focused on what her friend was saying. An excellent back and forth!
Homework: Next time you have a 1:1 conversation with a friend, be laser focused when it is your turn to listen. Make sure your phone and other potential distractions are out of sight. Practice layering in one aspect of non-verbal communication (maybe nodding or strong eye contact) to offer your friend cues about what you are thinking.
Personal Space
Personal space is the invisible perimeter each person puts around themselves. It is their space safe and if another person steps into that safe space, an internal alarm going off and the person will take steps to reclaim their personal space. I am sure you can recall a time when it felt like someone was standing too close to you while talking and you took a step back to get back into your comfort zone. Ideally the person speaking to you picked up on that nonverbal communication clue and respected your perimeter. Another example is if someone is sitting too close to you, and you move yourself over a couple feet. Be mindful of respecting the personal space of others and look for cues that indicate that they may need more space than you are currently providing. Each person is different. Some may require a larger perimeter than others.
Homework: When you are interacting in a 1:1 conversation or in a group, imagine that both you and the other person(s) have an invisible circle around them that you should not cross. If you feel yourself inadvertently crossing into their circle, make a quick adjustment to reestablish those boundaries.
Conversation Starters
As teenagers and young adults, you will find yourself in a variety of different situations that test your communication skills and social skills. Maybe you are involved in team sports where your teammates include both familiar faces and new people. Often participating in a conversation can feel overwhelming to some especially if the group includes individuals whom you don’t know very well. A great way to ease yourself into these conversations is to practice your active listening and participate with non-verbal communications. Make eye contact with the person speaking. Smile or laugh if someone says something funny. Keep your phone out of sight to avoid distractions. If you feel ready to participate verbally in the conversation, maybe you share a comment about the topic at hand or ask a question.
Remember, you are just as interesting and worthy as anyone else. Also, it can be helpful to remember that most humans share a common goal or aspiration to feel included and accepted by a group, so you are not alone in your feelings!
Example of How to Join a Conversation
Let’s talk about a situation where you may not know anyone and have to, or want to, join a conversation with other young people. Maybe you are attending a youth group meeting at your church for the first time and don’t know anyone. If most people are clustered in groups, an easy way to join a group is to simply walk up to the group and ask, “Can I join you?” I share this tip for business professionals navigating networking events where they may know only a handful or potentially no one at a networking event. I have personally used this tactic countless times at business and social events where I didn’t know many people and have not been turned away a single time – not once! I always tell my kids that ‘there is always room for one more” should someone ask to play with them. Just got for it even though, like most things, this may feel awkward (to you) the first couple times you try it.
Once you have entered a circle at the youth group meeting via the “can I join you?” tactic to join a circle, how can you start to participate in the conversation? Easy conversation starters include:
- What high school do you all attend?
- Have you been participating in this group for a long time? How do you like it?
- Where do you live?
- Do you play any sports?
Homework: Next time you attend an event with peers, and you know few people to no one, push yourself to join a group using the suggested starter of “Can I join you?” You’ll feel proud of yourself for putting yourself out there and will probably inspire others in the group to try your same tactic at another time.
Conflict Resolution
It is inevitable that you will experience conflicts with friends, family members or acquaintances from time to time. As humans we experience a wide range of emotions often on a daily basis and the key to healthy relationships is to express how you feel. Gone are the days of having to bury feelings of anger, sadness, joy you name it! While all of this is 100% true, we also need to temper our feelings based on what is appropriate for the situation. For example, your teacher may assign a huge group project and you are teamed with 3 people who historically tend to not take schoolwork super seriously. Your feelings of frustration are completely valid, and you don’t want to immediately share these feelings with the group or teacher necessarily. Go home, take the time to process and perhaps share this dilemma with your parents to get their thoughts on how you can best address your concerns. Their suggestion might a group discussion that very clearly outlines roles and responsibilities of each project team member. By over communicating what needs to get accomplished, each team member may rise to the occasion and surprise you. Feel free to remind team members of their commitment throughout the project if that is needed. That might feel annoying at times but it is likely better than the alternative of you doing all the work and feeling highly resentful about it.
Homework: Next time you have a conflict with a friend or family member, follow these steps:
- 1) Remind yourself that your feelings are real and valid.
- 2) Depending on the severity of the conflict, consider pausing to reflect on how to best address instead of immediately reacting.
- 3) Consult with a trusted adult or friend on how to best resolve.
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