Confidence in Communication: How to Build Skills

This article provides tactical guidance on how to become a more confident communicator in both personal and professional settings.  It will highlight how getting to the point quickly is important.  Eliminating fluff from conversations such as filler words or extra questions is discussed in depth.  We’ll discuss how to ask for feedback on your communication skills as well as how to incorporate constructive observations.  

What is your default communication style?  Do you tend to get straight to the point in as few words as possible or, does it take you awhile to get your points across? Are you a more confident communicator speaking directly with colleagues and managers or does an email or chat message feel much more comfortable?  How do you feel communicating in groups both professionally and personally? Whether you are communicating with colleagues at work, teachers at your kid’s school, your neighbors or friends, your communication style is equally as important to the actual words you are speaking.  Clear, confident communication is important to ensuring your desired message comes across as intended. Whether conversations come naturally for you or require extra efforts, confident communications often achieve career advancement at an accelerated pace. Overcoming anxiety or timidness during conversations can also help you achieve personal growth.   Below are tips to help develop confident communicators regardless of your current communication style and preferences.  

Avoid Filler Words

Try to avoid filler words such as “like, um, you know” as they distract from your key points and are added fluff into conversations.  We often lean on filler words for two reasons: 1) habit and 2) fear of silence when we speak or ask a question.  Many people are actually unaware of the extent to which they use filler words and often need to see a video of themselves speaking or have someone point out the prevalence of filler words.  Once you are aware of your filler word habits and tendancies, simply slowing down when you speak and allowing pauses between transitions can work out the issues fairly quickly.  Of course you want to set realistic goals for improvement – the reduction or elimination of filler words won’t happen overnight.  If you participate in Toastmasters International and give a prepared speech, a member will actually count the number of filler words you use.  That in combination with a video recording offer valuable insights on where you need to focus your practice efforts to become a more eloquent speaker.  

Be direct and succinct with your questions

When we feel nervous or have a lack of confidence, it can be easy to add layers of fluff into conversations. I often see this when someone asks a question.  Let’s say you are in sales having a conversation with a prospective client.  You are trying to better understand their business through a series of questions.  

Instead of: “What percentage of your sales reps are hitting their quota each quarter?”  (Direct question with no fluff), it is easy to default to “What percentage of your sales reps are hitting their quota each quota?  Is it typically 50 percent…75 percent?  I’m just curious how the team is looking quota wise.”  The last sentences are unnecessary and instead waste your precious time with the customer.  Asking “Is it typically 50 percent…75 percent?” is what I refer to as “leading the witness.”  If you are clear with your question, you don’t need to provide multiple choice answers.  Simply ask the direct question and then pause so that the other person can answer. Also, be comfortable with silence if the other person needs a moment to think about their answer.  Even if you do ask the direct question of “What percentage of your sales reps are hitting their quota each quarter?” avoid filling any silences with multiple choice answers or any additional clarifications that likely aren’t necessary. Silence often pushes people outside their comfort zone but it truly can be golden in a conversation.  If a person needs clarification, they will ask, don’t simply assume.  

Another example: If you are having a conversation with someone you recently met at the pool, a direct question might look like “How long have you lived in this neighborhood?”  This is a clear question which doesn’t require any additional questions such as “How long have you lived in this neighborhood….1 year?  2 years? Less than a year?”  A confident person is comfortable asking a direct question and waiting patiently for the answer. 

Don’t Put Yourself Down

Confident individuals avoid self-deprecating disclaimers in a professional setting such as “this might be a dumb question” or “you probably already know this but” or “sorry to ask this but…” Push those negative thoughts out the door and instead demonstrate self confidence when asking questions or making a comment during conversations. Disclaimers are fluff and we don’t need them.  I have always been a self-labeled “question asker,” in that I unapologetically will ask clarifying questions in personal or professional settings.  I often find that many others have the same questions that I do but don’t feel confidence raising their hand.  Be a confident leader with your questions!  Questions often convey curiosity which is a positive trait and a hallmark of good communication. 

Practice active listening

Communication is a two-way street.  Listening to others speak is equally as important as the words you actually speak.  It can be easy to fall into a trap of not really listening to another person speak and instead just waiting for your turn to talk.  When we truly listen to what another person is saying, it can shape the response that we give and lead to more meaningful conversations.  Active listening involves making strong eye contact during the conversation rather than looking at your phone, looking at other people in the audience or even just looking off into the distance.  Eye contact is a powerful tool to connect with another person.  Nonverbal cues and facial expressions such as a nod, smile or laugh let the other person know you are actively listening and play a vital role is relationship building.  Next time you have a conversation, give the other person your undivided attention when they speak; they are more likely to give you the same courtesy when it is your turn to speak.

Be mindful of body language

While the words you use play a crucial role in effective communication skills, our body language plays a big role as well.  Confident people demonstrate good posture whether sitting or standing.  If you are presenting at an important meeting, stand up straight and keep your arms to your sides or, uncrossed at a minimum.  Keep your shoulders squared to the audience to build a strong connection.  It can be nerve wracking to stand in front of team members and give a presentation. All sorts of nervous habits and behaviors can manifest if we let them.  Be super mindful of your physical presence and remind yourself that you want to minimize any and all distractions so that the audience is laser focused on your message. Avoid touching your hair or face, pacing, swaying.  We talked about the importance of strong eye contact above.  Rather than scanning the audience back and forth with your eyes, try locking eye contact with one person for 5 seconds before moving on to the next person.  This technique accomplishes three things: 1) it helps you feel more grounded 2) it builds stronger 1:1 connections with members of your audience as they feel like you are speaking directly to them and 3) it encourages better listening from audience members.  

Ask for constructive feedback

Your inner critic can be a powerful force in your life.  I would often present in front of a group and then replay my version of the presentation again and again, picking apart everything I felt went wrong.  While self-evaluation is important, negative self-talk is not overly productive.  A crucial step towards building confidence in communication is to ask for feedback, and often.  It lets you know exactly what went well and what you need to work on for improvement.  Often our self-evaluations are vastly different from that of a member of an audience which is why I caution from only listening to your inner critic!  Next time you present to a group or even just have a conversation with another professional, ask for feedback on how you did – both “glows and grows.” 

Another way to gain feedback is to video record yourself speaking. This can even be during a practice session in your home.  I did Toastmasters for two years and part of the program involves video recording each person when they deliver a planned speech. I thought my “Speech 1” went incredibly well in that I succinctly delivered my key points as intended.  I was shocked however upon reviewing the recording at just how fast I had spoken.  I knew I had a tendency to talk fast but actually seeing my speech was eye opening.  If I were an audience member listening to my speech, I would probably have had a hard time following my presentation.  I knew exactly what I needed to work on and over time, my communication abilities have greatly improved! 

Like anything practice and intentionality are the path to improvement.  Access where you are today and set a goal of where you want to be in a week, month, year etc! Anyone can be a confident communicator.