Interpersonal Communication vs. Public Speaking 

What is Interpersonal Communication and why is it important?

Regardless of how each of us spends the majority of our days – in school, at an office, at home with children – interpersonal communications are required for everyone, everyday.  By interpersonal communication, I mean two people (or more) exchanging information, ideas, feelings or opinions using both verbal and non-verbal gestures and cues.  The type of communication can include written, virtual and face to face communication.  Interpersonal communication takes place in various contexts. It can be as simple as asking your children what they want for breakfast, sending an email or having a weekly one on one meeting with your manager.  Interpersonal communications can be more formal and include a class discussion with peers, a meeting with business leaders or a job interview. The words that you use and the way in which you say them are important for building and maintaining strong interpersonal relationships.  

The Power of Listening

Anyone is a sales role has heard the saying “you have two ears and one mouth.”  The lesson this is meant to teach is listen more than you speak.  This is perhaps the most important thing you could ever learn in an interpersonal communication course (so just keep reading instead)! Truly listening to another person when they speak is a powerful way to be present, build connection and excel in effective communication.  It is easy to fall into a cycle of 1) being distracted during a conversation by a phone, your computer or even just your surroundings or 2) simply waiting for your turn to talk and therefore not truly processing what the other person is saying in a genuine way or 3) never asking questions of the other person(s) as a way to keep the conversation centered on you.  Poor interpersonal communication skills can be costly for both personal and professional relationships.  Rest assured though – small improvements can make a huge impact and you can literally start today, right now. Simply asking thoughtful questions of other people (even just 1-2 to start), truly listening and remaining present will get you from a D to a B- in no time.  We’ll dive into specific strategies and delivery techniques more below. 

How does Interpersonal Communication relate to public speaking?

Is public speaking the same thing as interpersonal communications?  Short answer is no.  Public speaking is typically a structured event – often to a larger audience where one person is formally sharing their ideas or information on a particular topic with a group.  While public speaking / public communication can be casual and interactive, there is inherently more formality to it than small group or one-on-one conversations.  The way in which you deliver your public speaking message is important for achieving the outcomes prescribed for your speech or presentation.  

Building Stong Interpersonal Communication Skills

Let’s start by break down the fundamentals of strong interpersonal skills that will help you exceed social expectations with colleagues, friends and family 

1) Ask questions

Have you ever been in a one-way conversation where you are asking the other person questions and they are answering your questions and not asking you any reciprocal questions?  It can quickly feel like you are doing an interview vs. having a conversation and it gets really old for the person doing the question asking.  This typically happens for several reasons: 1) the other person is simply not interested in having a conversation and wants it to end as quickly as possible 2) the other person likes being the center of attention and having the conversation revolve completely around them 3) the other person is unsure how to have an effective back and forth discussion 4) the other person is completely unaware of their poor conversation skills.  Take a few moment to self-reflect on recent conversations.  Where do you fall on the spectrum?  Are you a good question asker or are you primarily the one being asked questions during a conversation? If you fall into the latter camp, what would you say are your reasons? 

2) Avoid the “I” “I” “I”

We’ve talked about the importance of asking questions during a conversation. Genuine listening to the person speaking is critically important for relationship building.  Be curious and interested in what the other person is saying and ask follow-up questions that delve deeper into a topic.  Avoid the urge to immediately bring the conversation back to you. Below is an example of conversation that might occur during a social interaction.  

In conversations, there can be an overwhelming urge to draw the conversation back to you, even if well intentioned.  In the example above, you are excited to share commonality that you also have traveled to Vail and know the scene.  In example 1, you are letting Ted have the spotlight and are genuinely interested in his experience in Vail.  You demonstrate that with your follow-up questions.  While you do mention that you know Vail as well, the attention stays focused on Ted’s experience.  In example 2, you are quick to mention that you too travel to Vail twice a year and by not asking Ted additional questions, he is then prompted to shift the conversation to your experience in Vail. You have now become the center of attention. The art of strong interpersonal communication skills is to take turns being in the spotlight.  Stay in a place of curiosity and continue down a path of questioning before you share any commonality you have with the topic at hand.

3) Be humble

you can be the most successful person in the world and still be humble in your interactions with other people. What does this look like?  If you are the recipient of compliments such as “Great job on winning that project at the University” or “I heard you were amazing in the interview last week.” show genuine appreciation for the thoughtful comments shared with you.  It is perfectly acceptable to offer commentary related to the compliment – always leading with a statement of gratitude. “Thank you!  I did a ton of research on the project in advance of the interview and I’m so glad it was well received by the client.”  If other people were critical to your success, feel free to mention them as well.  This is not meant to minimize your contribution but to give credit where credit is due.  It might look like this: “Thank you!  I was grateful to be supported by an amazing team that helped me prepare the research that was exactly what the potential client wanted.”

4) Be Present

Being present is more important than ever in our highly connected, digital age.  If you are having a face to face or virtual conversation with a friend, colleague or family member, give that person your undivided attention.  Avoid looking at your phone, your digital watch, your other screen or the other group talking across the room.  Looking at your phone or other technology sends the message that someone else is more important than this conversation and that doesn’t feel great to the other person.  If you wear a digital watch, I recommend turning off any social media alerts / updates from your social networks that aren’t necessary.  Of course there can be exceptions such as “oh excuse me, my husband is calling me again…I better grab this”  but in general, keep your attention and eye contact on the person with whom you are speaking.  Keep the distractions at bay.

5) Be Mindful of Non-Verbal Communication

Building off the above topic, if you were to constantly look at your digital watch every time you felt a pulse, you would be sending the message to the person with whom you are speaking that you are more interested in another conversation than the current one.  It doesn’t feel great.  Your nonverbal communication says a lot and includes the following:

Eye Contact: Eye contact is a powerful way to build connection with another person.  It lets the other person know that you are focused and listening. If you are communicating with someone via video conference, try and keep your eye contact with the computer screen that has the camera as much as possible. It avoids giving the impression that you are multitasking or not paying attention.  

Facial expressions: Facial expressions are the non-verbal cues you give to the other person to let them know you are paying attention. They might include a smile, look of surprise, a laugh, nod, head shake.  Facial expressions are feedback to the person doing the speaking.

6) Be Inclusive

I don’t think any of us intentionally set out to exclude other people in social or professional situations, but it can unintentionally happen if we aren’t mindful of the written, verbal and non-verbal communications that we use.  For example, I recently worked at a software company where many of my colleagues were much younger than me.  They often used written pop culture abbreviation and spoken words with which I was not familiar.  I was often googling these phrases in an effort to “be cool!”  I know my colleagues weren’t intentionally trying to exclude me or others but when we get lax with intentionality, it can happy.  Intercultural communication is another place to be mindful of the words that you choose.  If the person with whom you are speaking, speaks another language natively, be considerate of the language barrier that may exist and steer away from any slang or terms that they may not understand. 

7) Lean into Conflict Resolution

Human communication can involve conflict and conversations that may be hard to have.  Being present, practicing active listening and keeping a positive attitude can accelerate problem solving and conflict management that can exist in both personal and professional relationships.  By truly listening to the other person’s point of view and being thoughtful in how you share thoughts and feelings on the situation can make all the difference.  Intrapersonal communication is the act of communicating with oneself and I would recommend practicing what you intend to say to another person if you feel anxious or nervous about having a more challenging conversation.  Actually hearing the words out loud may cause you to edit your script and approach.

Interpersonal Communication vs. Public Speaking

While interpersonal communication is two people exchanging information, ideas, feelings or opinions using both verbal and non-verbal gesture in a non-formal way, public speaking is typically a structured event.  A public speech can involve mass communication to a large audience in a formal setting or, a presentation to a smaller group where the environment is more relaxed.  Effective speech communication skills are necessary if you want to leave a lasting impression with the audience and command the attention of the room.  Similar to interpersonal communication – you are trying to build connection with other people and impart your knowledge upon them.  Before drafting what you plan to say, I recommend doing an “audience analysis” where you consider who will be attending your presentation and what is their level of knowledge on the topic at hand.  

Speech Outline Development

Before you can practice how to say something, you need to outline what you are going to say.  Brevity is best when it comes to keeping your audience’s attention.  Ideally you will organize your speech into 3-5 main points. A sample outline might look like this: 

Topic: How to Increase Business Email Reply Rates

• Introduction to Topic – Explain why email reply rates for business emails are so low today.
  • Main Point 1 – Create a short, compelling subject, ideally 2-4 words.
  • Main Point 2: Keep the actual email body to 100 words or less.
  • Main Point 3:  Personalize 20% of the email.  Let the reader know that you are a human being who has done their research and has earned the right to a reply. 
  • Main Point 4: Have a clear Call to Action.
• Closing: If the audience follows the above steps, they can expect to see a 10x increase in email reply rates.  

Speech Practice

Record your speech to identify areas of development

When you deliver a speech, the entire audience is going to see you…don’t you want a preview of your performance first? Are you talking too fast, too slow, saying “um” too much, touching your face as a nervous habit?  Because public speaking can be stress inducing for many, our bodies often react in a way that we aren’t aware.  By observing your tendencies and then practicing what you are going to say, it is going to help you feel more relaxed on the day of your actual presentation. I naturally talk fast (I’m from Chicago afterall) and slowing down my speech in a constant work in process.  During my early days of public speaking practice and development, it was only by watching a recording of my speech (I did Toastmasters for two years which I highly recommend) that I realized just how fast I naturally speak.  The whole goal of a public speech or presentation is to impart knowledge on the audience; therefore, they need to easily understand what you are saying with minimal effort.  Because I was unknowingly speaking so fast, much of my message may have been lost by the audience. I knew exacly where I need to focus my improvement efforts if I wante to build connection with my audience. 

Awareness is the first step to improvement.  No one else needs to be in the room when you make your recording.  If you realize that you are saying “um” in between each sentence (which is distracting for audiences), the solution is to slow down your speech and allow pauses.  Everyone loves breaks – not every second of your speech needs to be filled with words.  This skill building likely won’t fix itself overnight and that is ok.  Practice in everyday conversations and slowly but surely you will work out your kinds.