What never ceases to amaze me is the fact that older adults are literally living history books. They have experienced world events and family history that often date many of their children and grandchildren. Depending on age (my Grandma is 102 so she goes wayyyy back)…they may have lived through the Great Depression, civil rights movement, the Vietnam war, women’s liberation etc. More simply, they saw the introduction of life changing household items such as a vacuum, dishwasher or refrigerator. As for the internet…for most seniors, the internet has never been a core part of their lives and therefore they learned how to do things so much differently than we do today and that is fascinating!!
Conversation Starters
I’m sure you have all been to a family or friend function and observed a senior citizen sitting alone while everyone else is crowded around the kitchen island. Seniors have just as much of a desire to make meaningful connections but physical limitations such as hearing loss and mobility often limit them from proactively participating in a conversation. So how can you as a family member, friend and/or volunteer best engage a senior into a meaningful conversation and draw out these incredible experiences?
What would you do if you were out to lunch or dinner with a friend, or your sibling? You would discuss topics and people of mutual interest. It is no different when communicating with seniors. It just looks a little different because they are not out and about as much and don’t have access to as much information, by way of the internet, that has become second nature to younger generations. Let’s break down how to engage in interesting conversations with elderly people based on the relationship.
Engaging Elderly Family Members or Friends at Group Events
Family memories are generally a great way to get an elderly family member engaged in group conversations. Help them stroll down memory lane by asking questions related to their life experiences.
Let’s say there are two family weddings planned for the summer and it is all anyone is talking about at a family gathering. Your great-aunt, for example, may not have much to contribute to the conversation by way of modern wedding planning so include her in the conversation by asking questions about her wedding or a favorite wedding she attended in her younger years. Ask detailed, open-ended questions such as:
- Tell me about your wedding.
- What did your dress looked like?
- What kind of food was served?
- Were a lot of people dancing?
- Do you remember any of the wedding gifts you received?
Another example…if the general conversation is about summer jobs for teenagers, include your family member by asking about his/her first job.
- What did the job entail?
- What were your favorite things about that job?
- Do you remember how much you were paid?
- What car did you drive to the job? Was it your first car?
Another idea is to simply move the bigger group conversation towards the senior member of the family. “Hey everyone, let’s come sit in the family room,” Even if the senior family member is doing more listening than actively participating in the conversation, they will appreciate being surrounded by family members and can soak up the energy of the group conversation. If you are talking, be sure and include your elderly family member with eye contact and if needed, turn your volume up by a notch or two. Inclusion can really help fill the social connection cup of your family member.
One on One Conversations with a Senior (Family Member, Current Friend or New Friend)
Good conversations begin by asking questions to draw out shared interests and fond memories. Examples of shared interests and common ground might include:
- Reading
- Politics
- Cooking
- Travel
- Sewing
- Holidays
- Cars
- Sports
- TV shows
- Gardening
If this is your first conversation with the senior, below are some of the best conversation starters:
- What are your favorite hobbies?
- Where did you grow up?
- Which holiday season is your favorite?
- Tell me about your favorite movies and TV shows.
- Do you like to read? If so, what kinds of books interest you?
- Do you have any children and/or grandchildren?
Once you have identified a few shared interests, good conversations can start with you asking follow-up questions about a specific topic. Here’s a real life example of a conversation I stirred up with my Grandma who is still sharp as a tack. Like many she struggles to hear but has so much to say!
Topic: Gardening
Details: I am deeply interested in starting a garden but have not been successful (at all) the last two years that I have tried it. My grandparents had a garden at their farm house in northern Wisconsin and I have summer memories of picking, washing, chopping and cutting all kinds of vegetables. Other than tasting a hot pepper (which my Grandpa told me not to do), I don’t remember many details of the actual items in the garden so I asked open-ended questions.
- Grandma, what did you and Grandpa specifically grow in your garden?
- How did you keep bugs and animals away?
- Did you preserve any of the items? How?
- What were your favorite meals to cook and bake with your garden items?
This line of questioning led my Grandma to share that during the Depression, my Grandpa and his family never went hungry because of their garden. Gardening didn’t start out a hobby but rather a necessity to guarantee food security. For long as he could, my Grandpa had a garden that helped feed his family. I never knew that life history story. My Grandma and I both walked away from that conversation feeling fulfilled.
Topic: Politics
Details: My father-in-law, Eldon (also hard of hearing) loves talking about politics and has a finger on the pulse of current events because he watches various news shows during the day. (Side note: Many older adults tend to watch a bit of TV daily due to mobility challenges so small talk about favorite TV shows is often an easy way to make a social connection.) My husband reads the Wall Street Journal daily and the two of them have lively conversations about the latest political hubbubs. My father-in-law has a great time debating his opinions vs. those of my husbands.
The only real difference in conversing with an elderly person or someone more senior to you, is that you may have to do more of the conversation leading and not reference too much pop culture. Once you are able to land on a shared interest topic, I think you’ll be amazed at how fulfilling and enlightening these conversations can be. Oh and try your best to be present and give this individual the social connection they probably crave. Phone down, focus up.
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